Slumber Parties and White Picket Fences

Well to say its been awhile would be an understatement. I could say I ended up without Internet access for a while, but I could have updated if I wanted. I could say nothing all that worthy of mentioning has happened, but people would argue with me I fear. Let's go with: I just never took the time to both reflect and to post.

Anyway, the last couple years I had this analogy that I kept thinking about. It is the white picket fence, the wife, dog and two kids by the civil war/victorian style Americana house. Yeah, its that, but if you say 'american dream' I might turn around and walk away. I had (have?) so many issues with this dream. First off, if you see one of these picturesque houses, its usually in a row of identical (except the trim) looking houses in a neighborhood of clone houses. I hate being in these places. Its like playing 'Where's Waldo' when EVERYONE is identical to Waldo.

However, my analogy has to do with that white picket fence. Why a fence? To keep the dog in? Maybe. To mark my territory? Maybe. To keep others out? Maybe. But it seems to have that affect. This is mine, you stay out. This bothers me. I don't want people to feel unwelcome to my home. if you want to be around me then come on over. So the white fence became to me everything that keeps us lonely, everything that keeps each other at arms length, everything that keeps us unable to live life together. Instead, we simple interact over the fence when we notice someone is there.

How sad.

I won't say I've overcome this isolationism. Having left the open Great Plains for the tightly packed East Coast cities, I miss the yards and resulting privacy they provide. People still don't often just drop by for a chat and tea (maybe I'm dreaming of an idealized time that never existed) but I do feel some development.

But among a group of friends, 'mi casa es su casa' is more than just a phrase to be penned in fancy calligraphy and hung just inside the door. This group of friends have regularly answered the door- as though it was there own house. They have given 'the tour' with the gate and confidence of one who lives there. They spend the night when its convient. They share dinner and know their way around our kitchen. And I love it.

No longer is my house, just my house.

My house is our house.

Fear of God

Growing up I always heard the phrase "The fear of God." From the pulpit, I should have the 'Fear of God' in my life. From my parents I should have the 'Fear of God' in my actions. I never really got it, especially the threat.
"Boy, I'll put the fear of God in you."
"Yeah? Well I'm not threatening you and I haven't lost my temper.
God and I are still cool, I think you should fear God right now"

Fortunately I have the foresight not to answer that way or I would have had the fear of meeting God, face to face.

I never got it. God's Good. God has my best interest at heart. "All things work together for the good of those..." And all that jazz. So no matter what happens, there in nothing to fear, God's there, and, well, HE IS.

Then I had one of those moments. I was at Falls Creek with my church back home, and was setting in the new tabernacle and I got a feeling of what I was suppose to aim for in life as it stands right now, kind of. My response:
"No, God, that's just a bad idea."
"No, no, I don't really think you are getting it, that is just not really a good idea"
"Really? Me?"
"Uhhh, I'm setting by the youth minister's wife, I think you are a seat off with that."
(Okay, I didn't really think that)
"Well, if that is what You want..."
"I'm not singing that, you don't realize what just happened, I can't say that."

So as praise went on, it became shallow, sounding; and something I just couldn't say, as it was things that I just wasn't sure I could say. I had nothing to prove their truth by, pretty words, but untested, and therefore, unknown. Frankly, I wasn't sure I wanted to sing, and I didn't.

They had some, what was probably lovely, symbolism thing happening. I really didn't catch much of it. "Yeah, we'll see how you all react when something like this happens" I thought.

Then came a song, a annoying song. Actually I love this song, but it always seems to appear when I am having trouble with something, and it always is a slap in the face.

  Blessed be Your name
  On the road marked with suffering
  Though there's pain in the offering
  Blessed be Your name

Fine, I'll sing. Then the next song called for praise, no matter the situation, and the next... I found myself praising when I didn't want to. And then I felt I understood, the Fear of God- This is dumb by any standard. I don't like the idea on many levels. But it is Your Plan.

The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away, Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

JK

Parasites

I used to watch a show where the bad guys were alien parasites. Actually the show ended, or I would still watch it. But the parasites would take over there host, completely controlling them so that the body and actions was now that of the parasite. They still looked to the person, but they acted different. In one episode, a "good guy" got one of these parasites in him, so they decided to surgically remove it. When they got inside him, they realized the parasite had snaked it self all around the spinal cord. It wasn't going to come out easy, and most likely it was going to kill him if they tried a removal.

I was thinking about disobedience the other day, and this was the image that came to mind. If a parasite were trying to move round inside me, the easiest time would be when I was relaxed. With muscles and such loose and easily bumped aside. But when tense, the muscles would prove a hard substance that is fairly immovable. Disobedience also seems to prefer the relaxed state. In my life anyway, the act of being lax seems to be the time the 'parasite' wraps itself further around my vitals, making it ever so hard to remove.

I suppose that is just another aspect of 'dying to self''. After years of trying I've come to a singular conclusion: I'm not going to get better by trying harder. You see if there is one person on this earth that can get me to do what he wants, its me. So too keep me from doing what I want but don't really want to do, I would have to... well, kill myself. But that's not the answer either, because I would not have overcome, I would have given up. Fortunately there is Another who also know me so well as to affect change. It seems to me that the answer to this parasite is to rely not on myself, but on Another. If there is only one way to kill a parasite, it is to starve it. If the parasite is not given that which it wants- time and more disobedience- it will surly starve. But the only way to ensure it is starving it to use those resources for Another.

JK